Definitely Depression but POSSIBLE

Definitely Depression but POSSIBLE

Today I made a post “emotionally overwhelmed is an understatement “. A longtime friend asked me if everything was, okay? I let her know that Daevohn has been battling severe depression since October but has only gotten worse. I stay up most nights listening for him because he talks about how he has suicidal thoughts. I thought taking him away would maybe spark something in him but it didn’t. It’s worse. I have to make the decision to commit him into a facility where he is able to get better help. It’s just a lot and so hard. I’ve literally tried any and everything.

She replies with shock and questions. Has he seen a Dr, medicine, things we’ve tried. I replied, “You’re okay. He was given sertraline and he took it for 2 days and said it hurts his stomach and he’s not taking it. So I ordered a “feelings” journal that he’d write in at the end of everyday do a scale of 1-10 on how he felt that day went overall and then a list of emotions you check off if you felt them that day. I’m not sure if he used it as I don’t want him to feel like I’m snooping. He sees a therapist every Friday. He’s been 4 times and hasn’t spoken more than 5 mins in his hour. We got home last night, and he texted his best friend that he’s tired of living and ready to give up again and that he has no hope or care about anyone. I went in his room and I was like what bubba, what is it? Is it me? Is it Jerome? Is it grandma is it school what is it. You have to give me something here, man. I’m lost. I need you to help me help you. Please. He laughs me off offensively, I felt and like dismissing me. I said Daevohn – you know I’ve had depression for years now and that saying I want to give up and not live anymore, isn’t funny. It’s not a joke at all. I’ve been there so many times. I hate that place, so I wake up and fight back to never be there. You have to fight back. Asking Daevohn-What can I do to help you? Nothing. There’s nothing to help. At this point I’m bawling my eyes out pissed off but broken hearted all at the same time. Wanting to shake the shit out of my boy, slap his face and splash water on him and scream STOP!!! The. Best. Is. Yet. To. Come!!! It only gets better. Hold on. Just breathe! Then the other side saying hold him. Pull him to you like you did when he was still small. Make him feel your love. Make him feel his childhood, his Pappy (grandpa) memories, his dirt on his face, coming in after 11 from playing kickball in the front yard. Take him back to win life had time to be a life and he didn’t know there was hate or ugly or suicides or religions or prejudice or predators or social media or anything you want in the WORLD is only a few clicks away! Take him back. That’s his happy place. That’s when he was happy. You found his happy. How do you bring him to it!? You hold tight to the back of his house coat, and you drag your feet with all your dead weight, and you drag it out as long as it takes.. deep breathe in- then one day, you exhaled, and you were there. You are there. You are here. You made it. You got there. Now every day you wake up, you FIGHT LIKE HELL to NEVER get there again and if you get close, you fight harder and if you get back to there – you’ll find this memory and you’ll bounce back. Keep. Fighting. You. We. Got. This.

And as I sit here – a person with depression for years, thinking to myself “damn bro, you fought. For 14 years. Haha, you, well I- I did that. I. Fought. To. Be. Here. ~ and I’m going to continue to fight till the day, I transition!” My: boy man, will too!!!

#KeepFighting #FightLikeHell #Donotstop #depression #itcannotwin #youarestrong #lookhowfaryoualreadycame #fighter #yaheardssssme🗣️

🫵🏾💪🏼🖤

Are “YOU” in there….

PTSD Anxiety Depression

PAD – fill or cover (something) with soft material in order to protect it or its contents;
a person’s home.

I hate the word “feel”. Because when I take my pills for PTSD, Anxiety and Depression I don’t “feel” so the word “feel” loses its meaning almost to me or it’s credibility? Does that make sense!?

I’ve been trying much harder these past couple years and I would say very hard the last few months to figure out my “brain”. I know it doesn’t work like it was made to and I’m learning to deal with it but NOT accept it.

For those on PAD as I want to refer these pills to; do you often find when you take the PADs exactly how you’re supposed to that you’re missing life?

Like you’re a bump on a log or a breathing being that’s paralyzed emotionally, spiritually and physically.

I didn’t take my PADs Friday and I was able to watch 2 movies and focus and comprehend and not be bored and not tired away from them. That is huge for me.

I have a boyfriend now, a great great man that is nothing like I’ve had before. He’s kind and gentle and tries to understand I know he wants to understand mental health issues but he doesn’t have them and he’s never really been around someone on a consistent basis time frame as he is with me.

Jerome loves movies. He loves to talk about real life stuff. He loves to have meaningful conversations. I want to be apart of that world with him, for him and for us. I want him to know that he is important and that I do see him and value him. It’s so hard to express or even show these “feelings” when you don’t or can’t explain feelings in the ways you feel them.

When he talks to me, if I’ve been taking my PADs regularly, I don’t hear him. I don’t feel him. I don’t respond like he needs, I don’t “feel” his passions in his words.

This is all over the place and if you’re used to me blogging you know that it’s Random Ramblings for a reason- LOL

I just want people to know you’re not alone when you feel you’re alone. You’re not numb, you’re inconsiderate, you’re not disrespectful, you’re not rude, you’re not mean, you’re not self centered. You’re controlled by mental health issues and these damn PADs that are a blessing and a curse.

When you take the PADs- it’s better for your mind because it slows down all the screaming shit happening in your brain. But you “feel” nothing- NOTHING! The people around you aren’t having to be in ease or walk on so many shattered pieces of glass. But you are empty. Are you in there?

When you don’t take your PADs – you’re crying hard for reasons and sometimes no reasons, you’re mad and at nothing, you’re irritable, you’re over thinking, overwhelmed, under qualified feeling.

But – you can “feel”!!! You can feel sadness, joy, excitement, acceptance, happiness and love. You can watch a 2 1/2 movie and then another almost 2 hour movie and enjoy it. You can wake up the next morning and have a great conversation with people that matter to you and soak it in and understand.

You wish those positive side of “feelings” and or abilities would stay but they can’t. Because after being off of the PADs for too many hours/days leads to disaster. Leads to “feeling” not good enough, not caring about life, knowing you love your loved ones but “feeling” defeated by life and love and that your life doesn’t matter. You tell yourself so many lies and hurt yourself by self destructive hate words. Then you get the “strength” to start the PADs back up.

The cycle repeats.

Are you in there?

Love you, friends

Self Discovery Challenge Day 3

***This will be a 2-part Day***

What is my Fave thing to do when I’m alone…

When I’m by myself I typically either read, write or watch HGTV… Yep, I’m a little boring, LOL…  Today’s challenge wasn’t that great…

Okay, so the better topic today is PCOS and Assholes…

I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) when I was 16 years old. So I follow a lot of informative awesome pages on Instagram that discuss and post about PCOS.

Yesterday and the night before My Ex Asshole (Deric) decided it was time to harass me again. I cried a bit of heavy tears at the things he said then I was “good”. See, I having to retrain my brain and heart on how I see myself. After you hear things over and over for so long you kind of start to believe those things about you may be true even when deep down you know they aren’t you still question… As I was laying in bed scrolling through the “Gram”; I came across this PCOS post that just really had me thinking about those times my Gut said No Tricia, Stop Tricia, Don’t go down that road Tricia…

If you don’t know about PCOS- look into it. It is a very awfully complicated syndrome that you cant get rid or “heal” from. It GREATLY effects your Gut Health.

I wanted to blog so badly last night after I saw the post below;

Not only is it about my PCOS but it’s like legit REAL LIFE!!! Your Gut is so important in dealing with everyday life situations. See before I dated Deric, he pursued me for 3 straight years. My “gut” just wouldn’t let him catch me at all. I could tell by his mannerisms that the kind of “man” (using that word lightly AF) wasn’t the kind of Real Man I wanted or needed in my life. Then my heart kicked in… thinking maybe I was just being judgmental or too hard on him. I woke up one stupid day and was like “Heyyy football is on and I just made chicken wings, want to come over and watch the games with me, drink some beer and eat wings?”

That!!!! Was a mistake that I wish my brain had kicked it into high gear and became best friends with my “Gut” and saved me.

My “Gut Feeling” honestly was trying to legit save me so many times in those 3 years with him. Obviously y’all know what my point is on this but dang guys, this post hit home hard and it is so true! Your Gut is JUST AS important as your heart and your brain! Sometimes the Gut has to speak when the heart is blind.

Trust your Gut, guys! Like the heart doesn’t lie- nope… The heart can go blind but not lie but the Gut- it will knock your breath away, get butterflies and those “Stop” aches!

Lead with your Gut but Follow with your HEART!

“Follow reason, but don’t ignore that gut feeling.”
― Debasish Mridha

Truths to Me, Myself and Tricia…

you are beautiful

you are healthy

you are smart

you are loving

you are caring

you are admired

you are authentic

you are wanted

you are loved

you are perfectly and wonderfully made

you are not fat, a thot, a hoe, a cluck, ugly, disgusting, a liar, a cheater, a broke bitch!

YOU ARE THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF EVERYTHING THAT DERIC SAID TO YOU, CALLED YOU AND MADE YOU FEEL AND THINK!

Love & healing to all 🙂