I AM CURIOUS….

“You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”

 – Andre Gide

A recent fear that I would like to overcome …

Fear of letting go and having faith in whats to be will be! I love/hate the quote:

 “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.” – Unknown

Because if you love something so much, why do you even have to let it go? Why do you have to make a choice between the thing you love and wait to see if its meant to be? I mean I get it… but it doesn’t make things easier just because you understand its meaning. I feel like if you love something or someone you should be able to keep them forever.. Okay, enough of this because this right here; breaks my entire heart! I’m not ready for this yet!

Why does this fear make me feel scared and uncomfortable?

Because I love so hard and hold onto hope till my hands bleed. I’m so afraid that the person will move on and forget how much love I have for them, how much I want them and how hard I just want to see them happy and keep them forever. I don’t want tto “chance” it not working out or him coming back. The fear of him walking away loving someone else hurts so deep into my heart. But like the quote above… If it was meant to be, he will come back…. he will see how badly I love adn want him in my life..

Why does it matter to me that I overcome this fear?

I need to stop holding myself accountable for others actions and choices. I want tto always know and feel in my heart that I did the best that I could and that if someone wants to walk out of my life, it was their choice and that if I loved, respected, helped, encouraged and was  there for that person like I should be; there is/was nothing else I could do to make them stay or come back.

Why have I previously been unable to overcome this fear?

Because to me, I’ve always felt letting go/walking away was a sign of my weakness and that I was a quitter… But now after answering these questions, I feel like I was only quitting myself when I stayed in the bad situations that I never actually deserved. And I only became week when I stuck in it all and let the words and actions of someone I truly was in-love with tear and break me down. I am strong when I see my self worth, I am strong when I know I deserve better and walk away and I am strong when I love me for who and how I am. I have respect for myself and my heart. I know that all that I do, do; I do in-love ad out of love for people. I just want people more so Deric Faulkner right now that; just because I walked away doesn’t mean I don’t want you or love you but I love me more and I want us both to be happy and that if in this time it helps you and changes you’ I’ll be here!

CURIOUS: eager to know or learn something

I AM HEROIC!!!

“If you are not the hero of your own story, then you’re missing the whole point of your humanity.”

– Steve Maraboli

If my life was a movie and it started today, what would the hero do?:

The Hero would be a woman and she would show me through her eyes what she really see’s when she looks at me. She would be able to show me the future and how I made it and and overcame every obstacle that was placed in my paths. She wouldn’t save me but guide me, direct me and help me through things. She would listen and be there for me and would love me as her own.

What old routines and patterns would the hero break?:

She would break me of all the negativity that I see, say and do about myself. She would break me from “settling” for less than I deserved. She would help me to see that I am valuable, loved, cared for, respected and courageous. She would help guide me away form anyone or anything that wasn’t beneficial or healthy for me and my life.

What new habits would the hero replace those old habits with?:

Self Love and admiration. Respect for myself. Knowing my worth and value. Being brave and courageous. Not putting up with any B.S. The ability to see and acknowledge when a situation isn’t good for me.

Image result for cartoon superhero with brown hair

I AM SELF-AWARE

SELF-AWARE: having conscious knowledge of one’s own character and feelings.

One of my greatest strengths has always been …​

My heart… super cliche but very true. I have a HUGE heart!  I love, loving . I love giving love. I love receiving love. I love the gentleness of love. I love the feel of love. I love the taste of love. I love being in-love. I love all the ways you can show love.

I am so forgiving and understanding. I give out so many chances and opportunities. I love to help people. I love to see others do good. I love to see them grow. I love to see them be at their fullest potential. I love to motivate people. I love encourage people. I love to be the one person that anyone in my life knows that they can always turn to no matter what.

Today’s Challenge was to ask a couple close people that you trust and are always honest with you. I asked my Mother and brother what they think are my greatest and weakest strengths.

Greatest

Mother said:

The love you give is unconditional. Your love for Daevohn (my son). Faithful, Kind, Loving and sweet. You’re very smart, beautiful (inside & out)

Brother:

You have no filter so you are honest even when it isn’t the easiest things to say to people

One of my greatest weaknesses that I acknowledge …

Gosh… I have a hard time letting people go. I give my all and try my best to fix everything. I feel like love can conquer anything and if you just give it enough, things will change. I hold onto people far to long. It’s like I know in my heart that their “chapter” is over but at the same time I feel like if I wait a little longer, love a little harder– that they will be at the end in my “Happily Ever After”.

Letting go is never easy for me. It seriously feels like a death. I tend to take all of the blame on things when they end. I allow others to make me feel certain ways even though my heart and brain know they aren’t true. I try very hard to just work all things out and I hate feeling like I “quit”… when really- the other person never started…

Weakness

Mother:

Letting people walk on you

Brother Cam

You care way to much what others think and are always searching for someone to make you happy when happiness comes from within

What’s your intention?

My Greatest Intention is to Love Myself! I want to Love me for who I am, what I am, how I am. I want to love myself unconditionally. I want to be confident in myself no matter what it is. I want to always believe in myself and and have faith in myself.

“The first step to realizing our truest intentions is getting in the habit of thinking about it in the first place. When we put the light of intention on something, reality starts unfolding itself. By noticing what’s driving you, you can begin to take the wheel and steer towards what really matters.”

After going through yet another break up… I find myself lost and down and really doubting myself. I am taking this 30 day challenge with today being day 1 to learn to love, respect, honor and trust myself. After being told everyday that you’re a bitch, a hoe, a thot, stupid ass and dumb ass; it kinda gets to you. Even though deep down, you know that non of these things are true in fact, they are all furthest from the truth. But to dig yourself out of that deep dark place, sometimes takes baby steps. Today is day 1 of my first steps.

This relationship lasted 10 months. In 10 months I was cheated on 9 different times, hit in the forehead several times, “chest bumped” on many occasions, lied to, deceived, used, I paid $1,600 in cash for a jeep, bought his sons birthday gifts and treated like I was the scum of the earth.

I provided for this man. He didn’t want to work and couldn’t keep a job. He didn’t have a vehicle, so I bought him a jeep- which in-turn he used to cheat on me… He didn’t have money for food, clothes, bathroom supplies, nothing. I took him in as he was and loved him back to life. I loved him enough to get him on his feet and to help him.

He had a suspended license when I met him, which he hid and lied about. I end up paying almost $1,000 in court fees to keep him out of jail and to finally after 7 years be legal to drive.

My point is a couple things…

  1. Don’t let anyone treat you less than you know you deserve
  2. Never let anyone use you or take advantage of you
  3. Look at all the facts of the person before jumping head first eyes closed
  4. Money can’t buy LOVE
  5. No matter how good of a person you are or how BIG your heart is; there is always going to be someone out there who wont appreciate it- And that’s OKAY
  6. Don’t blame yourself for the choices others make- especially when you know in YOUR heart you tired the best you could and you loved as hard as you could!
  7. Most of all— LOVE YOURSELF through ALL of it! The Good, Bad and Ugly!

Day 1—- Challenge Excepted

Welcome to my world of crazy AKA— My Thoughts…

Good morning!
First off, I am doing this because mainly I get bored and when I am bored that’s when I do most of my thinking. Some of my thoughts aren’t always the greatest and then there’s the thoughts that just take me away into like a dream type world..  I don’t know how well I will do at this and its mostly for my own good. Kinda like a “diary” but if it gets read, that’s okay too! I WILL RAMBLE, rant, praise and complain… My sentences might run on and on and might not even make sense at times.. but I promise, I won’t bore you!
Okay, so today’s thoughts that have me extremely puzzled are and are not limited to… Lol..
Why is dating so complicated?
Are there really even rules on this dating crap anyways?
Why do people get  upset if you “friend-zone” them?
Isn’t the “friend-zone” a better place to be anyways?
If I miss someone, why can’t I just tell them?
If love is so hard to do, why is it a #1 goal for most people?
Okay so I am BIG on quotes! I love them, I pin them, save them and over use them! You will most likely read 1 or 2 quotes within my blogs, just a heads up =:) One that I feel really pertains to this is:
“A man who is truly interested in a woman will find an endless number of reasons why he MUST see her. A man who is just playing around- or confused about his own feelings- will find an endless number of excuses why he didn’t show up. “
~Charles J Orlando
As humans, we make time for the things/people/moments that are truly the very most important to us! I don’t think dating would be so “difficult” if people were honest, open, upfront and forthcoming with their wants/desires/intentions.
I am so guilty of “friend-zoning”. I’ve been hurt to many times and in some really horrible ways. For me, its easier/safer to just go ahead and look at any “nice/friendly” guy as just that; a friend! I think about this more and more everyday. How, I really do want to be “in-love” with my “best friend” and all that happily ever after crap.. but lets face it- at the rate I’m going, that’s furthest from what will really happen. Then there are times that I think ” wait, if a man really does want to be with me, he will be patient and understanding with me”. ” I mean why is there such a “rush”? ” A rush to the bedroom, a rush to the alter, a rush to the grave??? Slowwwww down.. Yes, time is ticking but have you ever sat in a place where you wanted time to rush by and the clock sat real still? It can be just like that, if you stop the rushing.
I was once told that ” you are a person that is In-Love with being In-Love!” .. that took a while to make sense to me. I get it now and the one person that spoke that to me was so right! I mean, every single part of being in-love with someone excites me! I like the snuggles, laughs, joys, cries, ups, downs, highs, lows. All of it! I am ready and I want it all but then my feet get soooo cold! I over analyze everything! From the tone, manner, voice, wording, body language and facial expressions. I am an ass to the very fullest and suck at this “love thing” that I so longingly want!
Okay to some up my very 1st “BLOG”….
You attract exactly what YOU are!
The law of attraction states that  This means that people with a low frequency — people who are insecure and self-abandoning — <b>attract</b> each other, while people with a high frequency — people who love and value themselves — also
If you want to attract a sweet honey bee- you gotta be the HONEY!!! Otherwise you’ll be the horsefly and attract shit!  =:/
~Patricia~