I AM CURIOUS….

“You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”

 – Andre Gide

A recent fear that I would like to overcome …

Fear of letting go and having faith in whats to be will be! I love/hate the quote:

 “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.” – Unknown

Because if you love something so much, why do you even have to let it go? Why do you have to make a choice between the thing you love and wait to see if its meant to be? I mean I get it… but it doesn’t make things easier just because you understand its meaning. I feel like if you love something or someone you should be able to keep them forever.. Okay, enough of this because this right here; breaks my entire heart! I’m not ready for this yet!

Why does this fear make me feel scared and uncomfortable?

Because I love so hard and hold onto hope till my hands bleed. I’m so afraid that the person will move on and forget how much love I have for them, how much I want them and how hard I just want to see them happy and keep them forever. I don’t want tto “chance” it not working out or him coming back. The fear of him walking away loving someone else hurts so deep into my heart. But like the quote above… If it was meant to be, he will come back…. he will see how badly I love adn want him in my life..

Why does it matter to me that I overcome this fear?

I need to stop holding myself accountable for others actions and choices. I want tto always know and feel in my heart that I did the best that I could and that if someone wants to walk out of my life, it was their choice and that if I loved, respected, helped, encouraged and was  there for that person like I should be; there is/was nothing else I could do to make them stay or come back.

Why have I previously been unable to overcome this fear?

Because to me, I’ve always felt letting go/walking away was a sign of my weakness and that I was a quitter… But now after answering these questions, I feel like I was only quitting myself when I stayed in the bad situations that I never actually deserved. And I only became week when I stuck in it all and let the words and actions of someone I truly was in-love with tear and break me down. I am strong when I see my self worth, I am strong when I know I deserve better and walk away and I am strong when I love me for who and how I am. I have respect for myself and my heart. I know that all that I do, do; I do in-love ad out of love for people. I just want people more so Deric Faulkner right now that; just because I walked away doesn’t mean I don’t want you or love you but I love me more and I want us both to be happy and that if in this time it helps you and changes you’ I’ll be here!

CURIOUS: eager to know or learn something

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2 in 1 Day….

Why does a break up feel like a death? Why do I think about the good moments and great memories now but when we were together all I could think about is; when is the next time I catch him cheating or calling me names or pushing me away…

Why does love have to be so hard? Why is that the people that really are great, loving and caring human beings hurt the most at the end of a relationship? I mean it should be the other way around. You mess up, you hurt; makes sense to me. It’s been 2 days since I heard his voice. Part of me know it’s “better” this way but then part of me aches more to know that it was that easy for him to let me walk away.

I’m typing this with Wheel Of Fortune on the T.V. and tears just bellowing down my cheeks. I was proud of myself when I got home from work today… I didn’t cry once. But it’s being home, home where I rushed back to, to see him everyday, home where I made dinners, home where I held him so tightly every night, home where I’d just gently kiss him when he slept and lay my Left hand on his heart and pray over him. Its so hard being home.

I’ve been heart broken before but this time it was different.. we lived together, we went grocery shopping together, we went to church together, my sons games and practices together, family events together, cooked together. I made him his very favorite breakfast almost every Saturday morning, I knew he didn’t want pickles on his sandwiches, I knew exactly how he liked his eggs, I knew what to order him at Chili’s, (yes he loves to eat!), I knew the small details that most people don’t notice… I fell in-love with everything that the other women couldn’t see.

He has this insecurity about him.. He was born and raised in Gary, Indiana. He tells lies, a lot but part of me feels there some kind lying illness because I don’t think he knows his own lies from his truths. I mean that in a caring way. When we met he said he had a car, a job, was an active father in his sons life, had his place ya know, his crap together..

None of that was true. I know you’re thinking *HELLLLOOOO, that was your RED FLAG* but nope, I told myself “I’m gonna love this man through it”. See both his parents had passed and his Momma had only passed a few months before we started dating. I felt “how can I walk away from someone just because they don’t have what the world thinks they should have “together?”

I thought if I’m there for him enough, if I love him enough, if I help him enough, if I uplift him enough, if I empower him enough, if I hold him so tight enough, if I pray over him enough, if I did ABSOLUTELY everything that a woman is to do for her man-ENOUGH… I would finally be Good Enough…

Good enough to leave those other women alone, good enough to not call names, good enough to not lie to, good enough to not use, good enough to take back home to Gary to meet his family, good enough to respect, good enough to love.

I am now at the point where I am trying to convince myself that I am good enough for all of that and more. But do you know how hard it is to convenience yourself of something good when all you’ve felt is how bad you are? Like I know that I am deep down but I don’t FEEL like I am. I pray to God that this 30 day challenge really does help me. Because right now, I feel completely helpless! I feel like I’m “going through the motions” just to get through each day, Like 1 foot in front of the other… It’s hard!

At this point all my heart wants is for him to come knocking at my door, pleading with me to give him literally a 10th chance, saying how sorry he is and taking back every single hurtful tearing down word he spoke to me, every moment he was with another woman or talked to another woman; I wish he could just take it all back and erase it from my heart, I wish he would take my hand and hold it close to his heart and pull me near and let me fall into his arms and cry so hard.

But the reality of all of this… I’m WISHING… Dreaming for this man to STILL become something and to STILL fix everything he did to me to try to break me! He didn’t have it in him then, he doesn’t now. But do you know how much it hurts to go to bed crying yourself to sleep while the person whom broke your heart is out running the streets, smiling and having a grand ol time with no worries or cares? I also know that he hasn’t changes and maybe he never will… but none of what he did made me love him any-less. I may not have liked him a lot of the time but I never just stopped loving him. Him being away, I know is whats best for me and my son. My son deserves a mommy that is happy, strong, compassionate, caring, loving and fun-loving crazy! I’m just ready to get back to being her! And I really do pray for Deric. I pray that when he finds what he is looking for it brings him all of the happiness he really does deserve.

I used to tell him all the time; if we break-up: never settle for less than what you deserve, never let a woman use you or treat you poorly, Deric you’re a good man that’s just got issues, don’t block out something good because of your issues. I would say Deric you are worthy of a real love, a love that you feel into your deepest parts. I think he doesn’t believe these things, I think that for whatever reason or whatever happened when he was younger- has control of him. I just pray one day- he lets it go and let’s someone really love him just for whom he is! The good, bad and ugly. I love that man!

I hope that after 30 days, these post become HAPPY and POSITIVE and CHEERFUL and INSPIRATIONAL! I hope that maybe just maybe someone reads them and it helps someone else.

If you ever find a man or a woman that is honestly a whole-heartedly genuine person, don’t hurt hurt them! Leave them where and how you found them. Let them be happy, let them live without pain and scars.

“A strong woman can never be broken! Let me repeat that- A STRONG WOMEN CAN NEVER BE BROKEN!!! Bent, Bruised, Hurt or maybe Torn; BUT Never, Ever, Ever will she be broken!” ~Tricia