Are “YOU” in there….

PTSD Anxiety Depression

PAD – fill or cover (something) with soft material in order to protect it or its contents;
a person’s home.

I hate the word “feel”. Because when I take my pills for PTSD, Anxiety and Depression I don’t “feel” so the word “feel” loses its meaning almost to me or it’s credibility? Does that make sense!?

I’ve been trying much harder these past couple years and I would say very hard the last few months to figure out my “brain”. I know it doesn’t work like it was made to and I’m learning to deal with it but NOT accept it.

For those on PAD as I want to refer these pills to; do you often find when you take the PADs exactly how you’re supposed to that you’re missing life?

Like you’re a bump on a log or a breathing being that’s paralyzed emotionally, spiritually and physically.

I didn’t take my PADs Friday and I was able to watch 2 movies and focus and comprehend and not be bored and not tired away from them. That is huge for me.

I have a boyfriend now, a great great man that is nothing like I’ve had before. He’s kind and gentle and tries to understand I know he wants to understand mental health issues but he doesn’t have them and he’s never really been around someone on a consistent basis time frame as he is with me.

Jerome loves movies. He loves to talk about real life stuff. He loves to have meaningful conversations. I want to be apart of that world with him, for him and for us. I want him to know that he is important and that I do see him and value him. It’s so hard to express or even show these “feelings” when you don’t or can’t explain feelings in the ways you feel them.

When he talks to me, if I’ve been taking my PADs regularly, I don’t hear him. I don’t feel him. I don’t respond like he needs, I don’t “feel” his passions in his words.

This is all over the place and if you’re used to me blogging you know that it’s Random Ramblings for a reason- LOL

I just want people to know you’re not alone when you feel you’re alone. You’re not numb, you’re inconsiderate, you’re not disrespectful, you’re not rude, you’re not mean, you’re not self centered. You’re controlled by mental health issues and these damn PADs that are a blessing and a curse.

When you take the PADs- it’s better for your mind because it slows down all the screaming shit happening in your brain. But you “feel” nothing- NOTHING! The people around you aren’t having to be in ease or walk on so many shattered pieces of glass. But you are empty. Are you in there?

When you don’t take your PADs – you’re crying hard for reasons and sometimes no reasons, you’re mad and at nothing, you’re irritable, you’re over thinking, overwhelmed, under qualified feeling.

But – you can “feel”!!! You can feel sadness, joy, excitement, acceptance, happiness and love. You can watch a 2 1/2 movie and then another almost 2 hour movie and enjoy it. You can wake up the next morning and have a great conversation with people that matter to you and soak it in and understand.

You wish those positive side of “feelings” and or abilities would stay but they can’t. Because after being off of the PADs for too many hours/days leads to disaster. Leads to “feeling” not good enough, not caring about life, knowing you love your loved ones but “feeling” defeated by life and love and that your life doesn’t matter. You tell yourself so many lies and hurt yourself by self destructive hate words. Then you get the “strength” to start the PADs back up.

The cycle repeats.

Are you in there?

Love you, friends