I AM COMPASSIONATE !!!

“Compassion is the courage to descend into the reality of human experience.”

 – PAUL GILBERT

Write a note to yourself from the perspective of an unconditionally loving imaginary friend:

Tricia,

You are an amazing, wonderful, caring, compassionate woman. You have so much drive in you to go further in life and to never give up. You’re a great mother and friend. You have so many things about you that are positive and uplifting.

You sell your self shirt so much. You cheat yourself of opportunities and chances. You let people walk on you like you’re a door mat. You don’t see your value or know our worth. If you could see yourself from the all the eyes of us that love you so much, you will live and treat life differently.

You’re one woman that I can honestly say is strong. You have went and made it through so much. You deserve love, happiness, attention and great things in life.  Please stop selling yours-self short. Please take pride in your-self. Please fall in-love with the Tricia we all have fallen in-love with.

I love you,

~Tricia

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I AM CURIOUS….

“You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”

 – Andre Gide

A recent fear that I would like to overcome …

Fear of letting go and having faith in whats to be will be! I love/hate the quote:

 “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.” – Unknown

Because if you love something so much, why do you even have to let it go? Why do you have to make a choice between the thing you love and wait to see if its meant to be? I mean I get it… but it doesn’t make things easier just because you understand its meaning. I feel like if you love something or someone you should be able to keep them forever.. Okay, enough of this because this right here; breaks my entire heart! I’m not ready for this yet!

Why does this fear make me feel scared and uncomfortable?

Because I love so hard and hold onto hope till my hands bleed. I’m so afraid that the person will move on and forget how much love I have for them, how much I want them and how hard I just want to see them happy and keep them forever. I don’t want tto “chance” it not working out or him coming back. The fear of him walking away loving someone else hurts so deep into my heart. But like the quote above… If it was meant to be, he will come back…. he will see how badly I love adn want him in my life..

Why does it matter to me that I overcome this fear?

I need to stop holding myself accountable for others actions and choices. I want tto always know and feel in my heart that I did the best that I could and that if someone wants to walk out of my life, it was their choice and that if I loved, respected, helped, encouraged and was  there for that person like I should be; there is/was nothing else I could do to make them stay or come back.

Why have I previously been unable to overcome this fear?

Because to me, I’ve always felt letting go/walking away was a sign of my weakness and that I was a quitter… But now after answering these questions, I feel like I was only quitting myself when I stayed in the bad situations that I never actually deserved. And I only became week when I stuck in it all and let the words and actions of someone I truly was in-love with tear and break me down. I am strong when I see my self worth, I am strong when I know I deserve better and walk away and I am strong when I love me for who and how I am. I have respect for myself and my heart. I know that all that I do, do; I do in-love ad out of love for people. I just want people more so Deric Faulkner right now that; just because I walked away doesn’t mean I don’t want you or love you but I love me more and I want us both to be happy and that if in this time it helps you and changes you’ I’ll be here!

CURIOUS: eager to know or learn something

I AM VULNERABLE……

“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.”

 

– Criss Jami

A weakness that I’m struggling with …

Letting go of the past… Loving someone so very much and having no choice but to let them go from your life and heart is so hard. I am struggling with how much I miss Deric and how badly I have wanted him to come back and fix every part of us that he broke.

Today, I will be courageously vulnerable by sharing my weakness with the following person …

I feel as if I’ve already been being courageous with this.  I have people that I can call or message when I am feeling really down and I express to them that I am struggling with this. So I can’t pick just one person and I also don’t feel like I am struggling today. Yesterday was the 1st day I haven’t cried and broke down. I woke up this morning feeling happy and bubbly and more like my old self again. My hope is that I don’t need to call or text anyone today about a struggle, just a hope and a happy place 🙂

 

I AM CAPABLE!!!

“You must give everything to make your life as beautiful as the dreams that dance in your imagination.”

 – Roman Payne

Who made you feel good this week? What did they say?

Goooood Morning and Happpppy Tuesday!!!

So many people made me feel good, no Grrrreat this week! My son ALWAYS does! Daevohn is my shining light when my heart feels dark and empty. He fills my soul up with gentle reminders of how much he values me, trust me, loves me and has faith in me.

My momma! My mother is always encouraging me, loving me and supporting me. When I’ve been feeling lost, confused and very hurt; I send her a text and get it out of my system and she always has a quote or words of encouragement waiting for me.

Amanda; my sister-in law! She has been through this relationship issues with me the most. She knows the very most about what i was put through. She never liked that I would stay but she didn’t “condemn” me for staying either. She encourages me and reminds how blessed and loved I am. She tells me how wonderful I am at being a mommy and lets me know it’s okay to feel hurt but to keep going!

Abby; my other sister-in law! She sings crazy break up songs that are “empowering” and she even raps… LOL.. She is a very real, honest and straight-forward compassionate person! I love how much  she loves my son and I and really cares about us.

My GBFF-Joshy…; He is so raw and uncut and doesn’t show weak emotions. He tells me things straight up and doesn’t sugar coat any of it. He see’s and understands my pain but he also knows how strong I am and reminds me, “you’ve been through this before and you will pull through!”. I love that he is my best friend!

Ms Dottie; Miss Dottie was my “work momma”. I still talk to her everyday. She is “gangsta”, lol.. she loves me so much and we have this crazy bond that can never be broken. She cries with me, laughs with me, prays with me and loves me. No matter what I go through, she is always here for me with sympathy and a little gangsta momma advice!

Ms Anita; I work with her now. She is a older wise woman. She has been through what I am going through. She asks me every morning at work, “How are you doing today with things?” I give her an honest answer and sometimes she pulls me to the side and reminds me of things to help make it through the days.

That’s 7 people!!! One for each day of the week 🙂 There are several more people that have been there for and helped me. Lent their ear to me and shoulders to cry on. This entry has really helped me see that when I feel alone at times, I am never really alone. I have so many wonderful people that really do love me and want to see me happy and want to see me be the best I can be. They LOVE ME JUST THE WAY I AM!!!!

Make It A Blessed Day!

~Tricia

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Sometimes, you really feel like…

I need this wishful thinking to goooooo away!!!! I keep thinking, “oh, he’s gonna call today, he’s gonna be sorry and want to work this out!” NOPE!!!! Its. Not Going. To Happen!!! I wish this thing had emojis… LOL!!! I just wander does he miss me too? Is he driving his brain and heart crazy thinking about me too??? I wish I could just STOP and just be numb until this all passes. Sometimes, I feel like I’m not strong… But I know I am. I just wish that he had loved me like he swore he did. Like how much I really DO love him…

~Tricia

2 For 1; Day… Again…

Sighhhhhhh…

This is supposed to be getting better, easier and more emotionally under control!!! What The What!?!?!? I just want to go home at this point lay in my bed and soak my pillow with MISSING YOU TEARS!!!

Nothing triggers this, at least I don’t think.. I mean other than being bored at work and then maybe the 1,002 phone calls I’d make to Deric Every. Single. Day from work… Just breathe, breathe through it is what the 30 day challenge people say… Well I’m certain their heart isn’t the one that’s broken right now… Good news is; Today in the “challenge” email that if you weren’t “relapsing already then you weren’t human! That little confirmation makes me feel not as stupid…

I just think the same crap over and over… I know Deric is fine and okay and happy and not missing me or thinking about me and Mannnnnnnnnnnnn does that crap HURT!!!! Whew… Like- I. Can’t. Even. Right. Now! I still have 40 minutes left of work and I can’t break down right now.

I just have to be strong hold it together for basically 50 minutes. My hope is that this feeling just passes by without losing it, again.. I wish I could just see him, like you know in the movies where they somehow “magically” get to spy on the other person… I don;t know if it would help or hurt me more though!?!!?

Then his stupid song is legit playing on my computer RIGHT NOW… “I’m On The Way” iHeart radio… Not the best idea! Lol..

Okay, I feel a little better, back to work and back to fighting off these thoughts and tears!

Stay Blessed!

~Tricia

I AM HEROIC!!!

“If you are not the hero of your own story, then you’re missing the whole point of your humanity.”

– Steve Maraboli

If my life was a movie and it started today, what would the hero do?:

The Hero would be a woman and she would show me through her eyes what she really see’s when she looks at me. She would be able to show me the future and how I made it and and overcame every obstacle that was placed in my paths. She wouldn’t save me but guide me, direct me and help me through things. She would listen and be there for me and would love me as her own.

What old routines and patterns would the hero break?:

She would break me of all the negativity that I see, say and do about myself. She would break me from “settling” for less than I deserved. She would help me to see that I am valuable, loved, cared for, respected and courageous. She would help guide me away form anyone or anything that wasn’t beneficial or healthy for me and my life.

What new habits would the hero replace those old habits with?:

Self Love and admiration. Respect for myself. Knowing my worth and value. Being brave and courageous. Not putting up with any B.S. The ability to see and acknowledge when a situation isn’t good for me.

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