This morning….. This morning!
Well it’s been a bit since I’ve wrote on here and for some reason, I felt today I needed to get some things out. Maybe I’m holding to much in? Maybe I am tired of talking and it falling on deaf ears? Maybe I am just Burnt. Out!?
Yep- He is STILL in the picture! After the break-up, I took him back for ANOTHER chance. With nothing but the same empty promises, never-ending perfect sounding words that have no actions to back them-up, the endless amounts of tears and anxiety!
Allow me to reiterate that again— Love. Is. Not. What. You. Say! Love. Is What. You. Do!!!
Let’s just start with today… I get a text this morning from Deric;
D- On my way to you
Be there in 10
Me- Are you coming in or am I supposed to come out?
D- I need to get my clothes you washed last night
Me- Ohhh… Okay (me disappointed because I was thinking he wanted to actually see me before the work day)
Deric comes in =, no Good Morning, No hug, No kiss, No how are you doing… But where are my clothes, you said you had them washed.
I say, they are clean Deric and folded. I put them in my room in the dresser that was yours. You are welcome to go in there and get what you need. Also, I made some breakfast for you, its finishing up now.
Deric was pissed because I didn’t have his clothes ready or something, I am still not sure what was wrong. But I finished up making his breakfast took the dog for a walk came back in and he was finishing up his food. I go and finish getting ready for work and come out of the bathroom and I am accused of cheating on him. Again, I have never cheated on him or any man for that matter!
I am like Deric, please don’t start. It’s early, I have to work all day and going in to work with a negative mindset, sucks! I said- what are you so upset about? I didn’t say or do anything wrong. He walks out and says “you gave the shirt I wanted to wear to some other man!” Please keep in mind- I have bought all of this mans clothes for one and for 2 how the heck am I supposed to know what shirt he even wanted?!!? And 3— WHAT MAN???
Anyways, at this point I’m upset, feel the tears bellowing up in my eyes and I just stop and look at him and breath. There isn’t anything more I can say to this man. I have said all the right things at this point and I needed to be positive about my day and myself.
I gather my belongings as I can hear the jeep starting rush out the door and wait for him to say goodbye to me and kiss me and say I love you… instead he says’ can you move so I can back out please, I need to get to work. I mean OUCH!!!! Like not 1 thank you throughout the 20 mins he was there, no apology for coming in so hateful and grouchy, no good morning, no hug, no kiss, no I love you, no you look great today, no nothing! As I stood there and watched him drive a way, it took all that I could not to feel defeated and devastated and humiliated.
You see- love is more than words, words are nothing. The ways that Deric talks to me, treats me and is to me are not in a loving way. Deric talks a great talk WHEN he will benefit from the situation. But he can never walk the walk of the talk he talked!
When is enough enough? When do I swallow my pride and sit back and realize I can change this situation on my own and that I have been the woman that I am supposed to be in every aspect and still I am Deric’s doormat?
I know I am wearing thin of patience, trust, communication and the worst–love… I feel like I have love for him still but I am not feeling like I actually am still in-love with him. How can I be?
Love is what you DO….