I AM PREPARED…

1 week later….

“If you don’t know where you are going, you might not get there.”

 – YOGI BERRA

I have 24 days left in my 30-day goal to    (insert 30-day goal)   .
Which means within two weeks, I need to
  (insert 2-week goal)   .
Which means in a week, I need to 
  (insert 1-week goal)   .
Which means in the next three days, I need to    (insert 3-day goal)   .
To hit that 3-day goal, today I need to  
  (insert today’s goal)   .

I have 24 days left in my 30-day goal to: Learn to wholeheartedly love myself, let go of the past that hurt me and to forgive the people that have hurt me.

Which means within two weeks: I need to acknowledge all past hurts and failures, forgive myself and keep reminding my self that I AM Good Enough.

Which means in a week I need to: Embrace the time I have by myself and use it very diligently to help myself complete my goals I have set for my own life.

Which means in the next 3 days I need to: Come up with a plan and put that plan into action by day 3 of how I can make these goals a reality and live with them and by them.

To hit that 3-day goal, today I need to: Stay focused on Myself and the “prize”  I am preparing for myself. I need to not be hard on myself today, I need to not worry if Deric is missing me or thinking about me or spending his time with another woman. I need to worry about myself because at the end of the day, I am only solely responsible for Me, Myself and I! I can’t change the past- I can learn from it, move on from it and pray about it but I Can Not Change It!

~Tricia

Image result for disney quotes about being prepared

Another 2 in 1 day…

I know she thinks about me. Thats obvious.:

Everyday is supposed to get easier.. Why isn’t it??? My heart feels like he just this morning. My heart is seriously aching for this man and he legit isn’t thinking about me at all. These are the moments when it hurts the most. Its storming here and its late, he should be home with me. Holding me on the couch watching movies. Not off doing God only know what with who knows who.. But me… I’m home hurting, crying and writing on here to nobody… I feel so alone. I know it will fade eventually but now, in this moment it hurts so badly and I just want no I NEED it to stop. I need the tears pouring down my cheeks to to stop falling, I need the redness and puffing of my eyes to go away. I need HIM, Deric Faulkner to WAKE UP and see that I was a god woman and that I was there for him and that my love was really real! I need him to come knocking at my door uncontrollably and crying and begging to please let him in and to please give him another chance. That he knows I am the only woman that he wants and the only woman he wants to his time to and the only woman he cares about and the only woman he wants to have his attention and the only woman he wants to love fro the rest of his life! Why? Why Dear God is this all so hard? Why does it have to hurt so bad? Why can’t he do what is right? Why does he get to live his life everyday just fine while I sit here and my room bawling over the loss of what we had? It wasn’t always great but shit, it wasn’t always bad. I’m tired, I’m hurt and I just want him to fix EVERYTHING he broke! He doesn’t call, he doesn’t text and doesn’t anything. It’s over and I tried to fight so hard and so long for him to just stop putting me and us through all of his messiness with all those other woman. I hate all of what he did wrong and I love all of him anyways…

 

 

I AM ENOUGH….

What can my voices of ‘not enough’ teach me as I spend time listening to them?

“You are enough, just as you are. Each emotion you feel, everything you do in your life, everything you do or do not do… where you are and who you are right now is enough. It is perfect. You are perfect enough. MELANIE JADE

All of the ways I feel like I am not “enough”:

  1. skinny enough
  2. pretty enough
  3. good enough to love
  4. smart enough
  5. funny enough
  6. fun enough
  7. good mommy

I am Enough!

I am not skinny but I am healthy

I am not ugly; I am actually very beautiful

My eyes, my lips, nose nose, my hair, my hands, my legs, my hips and butt; all all perfectly made and I am ENOUGH to see that and feel that and “say dat doe”!

I am good enough to love; love myself, my son loves me unconditionally, my family loves me my friends love me. Love isn’t measured by the person you “want” a relationship, it is measured on how much you love your self first!

I am smart! I’m very very very smart! Almost what society would say “nerd status”! I graduated college 3 times in the medical field and in just 3 years at IU Health- I received 3 promotions and not I am in Corporate.

I am funny but more of “goofy”. I am clumsy, ditsy, laugh at my own self, tell jokes messed up…

I am fun enough! I love to do outgoing things and have adventures. I love being outside, I love laser-tag, go carts, golf carts, get together s, going on road trips, far away trips, getting dirty, sweating, hiking.. the list goes on and on!

I am a great mommy! I make sure my son has food, clothes, a home, goes to school. I make sure he knows and feels loved. We have “dates”, we have serious talks and we have fun talks, we talk about music, sports and toys. He plays sports and I make sure he has everything he needs for them. I encourage him, I let him know how great he is and to always do things with confidence.

Today; I am telling all the things and people that have made me feel- “I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH”- you’re WRONG! I am Good Enough! I am able and capable of doing all things and I am sorry if you didn’t see my worth and value, that was and is your loss but for me and my well being, I refuse to believe or let you control how I feel about myself! Because I. Am. Good. Enough! I will no longer say, text, email or think AGAIN; that I am not “enough”! Because let me say it again; I. AM. Good. Enough!!!!!

~Tricia

I AM PRESENT!!!

A past moment that left me feeling powerless or afraid …

Gooood Morning and Happpppy FriiiYayyyy!!!!

January 2, 2015…

I had been talking to this guy and going out on “group dates”. One night a group of us met at his house and went out to dinner. We all came back to his house and everyone left before me. I went inside to use the restroom before heading home. When I went to leave, he grabbed and and started forcing his-self on me. He was 6’5 and a football player and I am all of 5’2 and smaller. He was so strong and held me down and I just kept fighting to get him off of me. He began to rape me. There was nothing I could do but keep fighting. I was able to “head-bunt” him enough to get from under him, grab my purse and run for the door. Luckily the alarm was set and it started going off. That was the distraction I needed to make my escape. I don’t want to go into further detail of this event but that moment was the biggest moment in my life, I felt completely powerless.

I was afraid after that night to give anyone a chance, go on a date, meet for lunch or even coffee. I was scared that this would happen again. I had been talking to that man for a couple months. We hadn’t been “intimate” before and he had never shown signs that he was like that to me. I was completely caught off guard. That situation could had ended even more worse than it already was. But GOD!

How can I let go of that limiting past experience based on what I now know?

I have let that moment to a degree. It doesn’t haunt me or scare me anymore. I have dealt with it, sought help and was able to move past it. When an event as tragic as this happens to you, you have two choices; let it hold you back and torture you or Let it go, pray about it and move on and learn from it.

I’ve always driven looking at my rear-view mirror. I speed sometimes.. And I always am watching to see if a police officer is behind me, lol.. But lately I’ve been told to “stop looking at my past, I don’t live there anymore”! I take that as I am driving the same. I’ve already “passed” it up… Why do I care what’s behind me if what I am doing in my future is right/correct?

I can’t change, undo, wish, pray or do anything about my past; but I tell you what! I have full control over my future and no that, if I stay focused and driven- my future will take me where my past can never get to!

Make it  a Blessed Day!

~Tricia

2 in 1 Day….

Why does a break up feel like a death? Why do I think about the good moments and great memories now but when we were together all I could think about is; when is the next time I catch him cheating or calling me names or pushing me away…

Why does love have to be so hard? Why is that the people that really are great, loving and caring human beings hurt the most at the end of a relationship? I mean it should be the other way around. You mess up, you hurt; makes sense to me. It’s been 2 days since I heard his voice. Part of me know it’s “better” this way but then part of me aches more to know that it was that easy for him to let me walk away.

I’m typing this with Wheel Of Fortune on the T.V. and tears just bellowing down my cheeks. I was proud of myself when I got home from work today… I didn’t cry once. But it’s being home, home where I rushed back to, to see him everyday, home where I made dinners, home where I held him so tightly every night, home where I’d just gently kiss him when he slept and lay my Left hand on his heart and pray over him. Its so hard being home.

I’ve been heart broken before but this time it was different.. we lived together, we went grocery shopping together, we went to church together, my sons games and practices together, family events together, cooked together. I made him his very favorite breakfast almost every Saturday morning, I knew he didn’t want pickles on his sandwiches, I knew exactly how he liked his eggs, I knew what to order him at Chili’s, (yes he loves to eat!), I knew the small details that most people don’t notice… I fell in-love with everything that the other women couldn’t see.

He has this insecurity about him.. He was born and raised in Gary, Indiana. He tells lies, a lot but part of me feels there some kind lying illness because I don’t think he knows his own lies from his truths. I mean that in a caring way. When we met he said he had a car, a job, was an active father in his sons life, had his place ya know, his crap together..

None of that was true. I know you’re thinking *HELLLLOOOO, that was your RED FLAG* but nope, I told myself “I’m gonna love this man through it”. See both his parents had passed and his Momma had only passed a few months before we started dating. I felt “how can I walk away from someone just because they don’t have what the world thinks they should have “together?”

I thought if I’m there for him enough, if I love him enough, if I help him enough, if I uplift him enough, if I empower him enough, if I hold him so tight enough, if I pray over him enough, if I did ABSOLUTELY everything that a woman is to do for her man-ENOUGH… I would finally be Good Enough…

Good enough to leave those other women alone, good enough to not call names, good enough to not lie to, good enough to not use, good enough to take back home to Gary to meet his family, good enough to respect, good enough to love.

I am now at the point where I am trying to convince myself that I am good enough for all of that and more. But do you know how hard it is to convenience yourself of something good when all you’ve felt is how bad you are? Like I know that I am deep down but I don’t FEEL like I am. I pray to God that this 30 day challenge really does help me. Because right now, I feel completely helpless! I feel like I’m “going through the motions” just to get through each day, Like 1 foot in front of the other… It’s hard!

At this point all my heart wants is for him to come knocking at my door, pleading with me to give him literally a 10th chance, saying how sorry he is and taking back every single hurtful tearing down word he spoke to me, every moment he was with another woman or talked to another woman; I wish he could just take it all back and erase it from my heart, I wish he would take my hand and hold it close to his heart and pull me near and let me fall into his arms and cry so hard.

But the reality of all of this… I’m WISHING… Dreaming for this man to STILL become something and to STILL fix everything he did to me to try to break me! He didn’t have it in him then, he doesn’t now. But do you know how much it hurts to go to bed crying yourself to sleep while the person whom broke your heart is out running the streets, smiling and having a grand ol time with no worries or cares? I also know that he hasn’t changes and maybe he never will… but none of what he did made me love him any-less. I may not have liked him a lot of the time but I never just stopped loving him. Him being away, I know is whats best for me and my son. My son deserves a mommy that is happy, strong, compassionate, caring, loving and fun-loving crazy! I’m just ready to get back to being her! And I really do pray for Deric. I pray that when he finds what he is looking for it brings him all of the happiness he really does deserve.

I used to tell him all the time; if we break-up: never settle for less than what you deserve, never let a woman use you or treat you poorly, Deric you’re a good man that’s just got issues, don’t block out something good because of your issues. I would say Deric you are worthy of a real love, a love that you feel into your deepest parts. I think he doesn’t believe these things, I think that for whatever reason or whatever happened when he was younger- has control of him. I just pray one day- he lets it go and let’s someone really love him just for whom he is! The good, bad and ugly. I love that man!

I hope that after 30 days, these post become HAPPY and POSITIVE and CHEERFUL and INSPIRATIONAL! I hope that maybe just maybe someone reads them and it helps someone else.

If you ever find a man or a woman that is honestly a whole-heartedly genuine person, don’t hurt hurt them! Leave them where and how you found them. Let them be happy, let them live without pain and scars.

“A strong woman can never be broken! Let me repeat that- A STRONG WOMEN CAN NEVER BE BROKEN!!! Bent, Bruised, Hurt or maybe Torn; BUT Never, Ever, Ever will she be broken!” ~Tricia

I AM SELF-AWARE

SELF-AWARE: having conscious knowledge of one’s own character and feelings.

One of my greatest strengths has always been …​

My heart… super cliche but very true. I have a HUGE heart!  I love, loving . I love giving love. I love receiving love. I love the gentleness of love. I love the feel of love. I love the taste of love. I love being in-love. I love all the ways you can show love.

I am so forgiving and understanding. I give out so many chances and opportunities. I love to help people. I love to see others do good. I love to see them grow. I love to see them be at their fullest potential. I love to motivate people. I love encourage people. I love to be the one person that anyone in my life knows that they can always turn to no matter what.

Today’s Challenge was to ask a couple close people that you trust and are always honest with you. I asked my Mother and brother what they think are my greatest and weakest strengths.

Greatest

Mother said:

The love you give is unconditional. Your love for Daevohn (my son). Faithful, Kind, Loving and sweet. You’re very smart, beautiful (inside & out)

Brother:

You have no filter so you are honest even when it isn’t the easiest things to say to people

One of my greatest weaknesses that I acknowledge …

Gosh… I have a hard time letting people go. I give my all and try my best to fix everything. I feel like love can conquer anything and if you just give it enough, things will change. I hold onto people far to long. It’s like I know in my heart that their “chapter” is over but at the same time I feel like if I wait a little longer, love a little harder– that they will be at the end in my “Happily Ever After”.

Letting go is never easy for me. It seriously feels like a death. I tend to take all of the blame on things when they end. I allow others to make me feel certain ways even though my heart and brain know they aren’t true. I try very hard to just work all things out and I hate feeling like I “quit”… when really- the other person never started…

Weakness

Mother:

Letting people walk on you

Brother Cam

You care way to much what others think and are always searching for someone to make you happy when happiness comes from within

COMMITTED:

“Commitment means staying loyal to what you said you were going to do long after the mood you said it in has left you.”

I am committed to this process and change! Everyday isn’t going to be easy but every moment of a day isn’t going to be difficult. 30 days… that’s it! I can and will come out a stronger, braver, self-loving woman!

It’s so easy to get “off-track”! It’s easy to let your struggles, finances, friends, family, social media, job and just life to take you away from something you said you were “committed” to do. Things come up and see “more important”. You put yourself on the back burner and wait till the next time to start new…

I’m known for putting myself last and everything and everyone before me. I felt like that was “love” and if I did that enough someone would appreciate and give it back to me, ya know- put ME first. I have to STOP putting things/people before myself and STOP waiting for someone else to do it for me. I AM solely responsible for my feelings, emotions, thoughts and self love. I should NEVER then nor now seek that in another human being, it should come from within me first!

It’s crazy because I can stay committed to anyone no matter what the commitment consist of. But when it comes to myself, I tend to “back-down, quit, or hesitate”… I am changing that! I deserve to be committed to myself above anyone else. I am important, I am good enough, I do deserve great things, I am worthy of self-love and I am committed to proving these things to myself EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!!!!

This is a link to a video that I saved on YouTube on 7/13/2016. I literally played this LOUD every single morning at 5 AM in my office before my day got started! I have this entire thing memorized and I am not kidding! When he gets loud in the video and you picture his face scrunching up with so much drama- I sit there and do the same things!

Do you believe in anything bad enough to fight for, sweat for it and work for it?

If you think Greatness goes on sale…. true quality NEVER goes on sale! GREATNESS Cost What It Cost!!!!

Until tomorrow…. Time. To. Go. Be. Great!!! =:)