“You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”
– Andre Gide
A recent fear that I would like to overcome …
Fear of letting go and having faith in whats to be will be! I love/hate the quote:
“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.” – Unknown
Because if you love something so much, why do you even have to let it go? Why do you have to make a choice between the thing you love and wait to see if its meant to be? I mean I get it… but it doesn’t make things easier just because you understand its meaning. I feel like if you love something or someone you should be able to keep them forever.. Okay, enough of this because this right here; breaks my entire heart! I’m not ready for this yet!
Why does this fear make me feel scared and uncomfortable?
Because I love so hard and hold onto hope till my hands bleed. I’m so afraid that the person will move on and forget how much love I have for them, how much I want them and how hard I just want to see them happy and keep them forever. I don’t want tto “chance” it not working out or him coming back. The fear of him walking away loving someone else hurts so deep into my heart. But like the quote above… If it was meant to be, he will come back…. he will see how badly I love adn want him in my life..
Why does it matter to me that I overcome this fear?
I need to stop holding myself accountable for others actions and choices. I want tto always know and feel in my heart that I did the best that I could and that if someone wants to walk out of my life, it was their choice and that if I loved, respected, helped, encouraged and was there for that person like I should be; there is/was nothing else I could do to make them stay or come back.
Why have I previously been unable to overcome this fear?
Because to me, I’ve always felt letting go/walking away was a sign of my weakness and that I was a quitter… But now after answering these questions, I feel like I was only quitting myself when I stayed in the bad situations that I never actually deserved. And I only became week when I stuck in it all and let the words and actions of someone I truly was in-love with tear and break me down. I am strong when I see my self worth, I am strong when I know I deserve better and walk away and I am strong when I love me for who and how I am. I have respect for myself and my heart. I know that all that I do, do; I do in-love ad out of love for people. I just want people more so Deric Faulkner right now that; just because I walked away doesn’t mean I don’t want you or love you but I love me more and I want us both to be happy and that if in this time it helps you and changes you’ I’ll be here!
CURIOUS: eager to know or learn something
“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.”
– Criss Jami
A weakness that I’m struggling with …
Letting go of the past… Loving someone so very much and having no choice but to let them go from your life and heart is so hard. I am struggling with how much I miss Deric and how badly I have wanted him to come back and fix every part of us that he broke.
Today, I will be courageously vulnerable by sharing my weakness with the following person …
I feel as if I’ve already been being courageous with this. I have people that I can call or message when I am feeling really down and I express to them that I am struggling with this. So I can’t pick just one person and I also don’t feel like I am struggling today. Yesterday was the 1st day I haven’t cried and broke down. I woke up this morning feeling happy and bubbly and more like my old self again. My hope is that I don’t need to call or text anyone today about a struggle, just a hope and a happy place 🙂
I need this wishful thinking to goooooo away!!!! I keep thinking, “oh, he’s gonna call today, he’s gonna be sorry and want to work this out!” NOPE!!!! Its. Not Going. To Happen!!! I wish this thing had emojis… LOL!!! I just wander does he miss me too? Is he driving his brain and heart crazy thinking about me too??? I wish I could just STOP and just be numb until this all passes. Sometimes, I feel like I’m not strong… But I know I am. I just wish that he had loved me like he swore he did. Like how much I really DO love him…
This is supposed to be getting better, easier and more emotionally under control!!! What The What!?!?!? I just want to go home at this point lay in my bed and soak my pillow with MISSING YOU TEARS!!!
Nothing triggers this, at least I don’t think.. I mean other than being bored at work and then maybe the 1,002 phone calls I’d make to Deric Every. Single. Day from work… Just breathe, breathe through it is what the 30 day challenge people say… Well I’m certain their heart isn’t the one that’s broken right now… Good news is; Today in the “challenge” email that if you weren’t “relapsing already then you weren’t human! That little confirmation makes me feel not as stupid…
I just think the same crap over and over… I know Deric is fine and okay and happy and not missing me or thinking about me and Mannnnnnnnnnnnn does that crap HURT!!!! Whew… Like- I. Can’t. Even. Right. Now! I still have 40 minutes left of work and I can’t break down right now.
I just have to be strong hold it together for basically 50 minutes. My hope is that this feeling just passes by without losing it, again.. I wish I could just see him, like you know in the movies where they somehow “magically” get to spy on the other person… I don;t know if it would help or hurt me more though!?!!?
Then his stupid song is legit playing on my computer RIGHT NOW… “I’m On The Way” iHeart radio… Not the best idea! Lol..
Okay, I feel a little better, back to work and back to fighting off these thoughts and tears!
“If you are not the hero of your own story, then you’re missing the whole point of your humanity.”
– Steve Maraboli
If my life was a movie and it started today, what would the hero do?:
The Hero would be a woman and she would show me through her eyes what she really see’s when she looks at me. She would be able to show me the future and how I made it and and overcame every obstacle that was placed in my paths. She wouldn’t save me but guide me, direct me and help me through things. She would listen and be there for me and would love me as her own.
What old routines and patterns would the hero break?:
She would break me of all the negativity that I see, say and do about myself. She would break me from “settling” for less than I deserved. She would help me to see that I am valuable, loved, cared for, respected and courageous. She would help guide me away form anyone or anything that wasn’t beneficial or healthy for me and my life.
What new habits would the hero replace those old habits with?:
Self Love and admiration. Respect for myself. Knowing my worth and value. Being brave and courageous. Not putting up with any B.S. The ability to see and acknowledge when a situation isn’t good for me.
Everyday is supposed to get easier.. Why isn’t it??? My heart feels like he just this morning. My heart is seriously aching for this man and he legit isn’t thinking about me at all. These are the moments when it hurts the most. Its storming here and its late, he should be home with me. Holding me on the couch watching movies. Not off doing God only know what with who knows who.. But me… I’m home hurting, crying and writing on here to nobody… I feel so alone. I know it will fade eventually but now, in this moment it hurts so badly and I just want no I NEED it to stop. I need the tears pouring down my cheeks to to stop falling, I need the redness and puffing of my eyes to go away. I need HIM, Deric Faulkner to WAKE UP and see that I was a god woman and that I was there for him and that my love was really real! I need him to come knocking at my door uncontrollably and crying and begging to please let him in and to please give him another chance. That he knows I am the only woman that he wants and the only woman he wants to his time to and the only woman he cares about and the only woman he wants to have his attention and the only woman he wants to love fro the rest of his life! Why? Why Dear God is this all so hard? Why does it have to hurt so bad? Why can’t he do what is right? Why does he get to live his life everyday just fine while I sit here and my room bawling over the loss of what we had? It wasn’t always great but shit, it wasn’t always bad. I’m tired, I’m hurt and I just want him to fix EVERYTHING he broke! He doesn’t call, he doesn’t text and doesn’t anything. It’s over and I tried to fight so hard and so long for him to just stop putting me and us through all of his messiness with all those other woman. I hate all of what he did wrong and I love all of him anyways…
SELF-AWARE: having conscious knowledge of one’s own character and feelings.
One of my greatest strengths has always been …
My heart… super cliche but very true. I have a HUGE heart! I love, loving . I love giving love. I love receiving love. I love the gentleness of love. I love the feel of love. I love the taste of love. I love being in-love. I love all the ways you can show love.
I am so forgiving and understanding. I give out so many chances and opportunities. I love to help people. I love to see others do good. I love to see them grow. I love to see them be at their fullest potential. I love to motivate people. I love encourage people. I love to be the one person that anyone in my life knows that they can always turn to no matter what.
Today’s Challenge was to ask a couple close people that you trust and are always honest with you. I asked my Mother and brother what they think are my greatest and weakest strengths.
The love you give is unconditional. Your love for Daevohn (my son). Faithful, Kind, Loving and sweet. You’re very smart, beautiful (inside & out)
You have no filter so you are honest even when it isn’t the easiest things to say to people
One of my greatest weaknesses that I acknowledge …
Gosh… I have a hard time letting people go. I give my all and try my best to fix everything. I feel like love can conquer anything and if you just give it enough, things will change. I hold onto people far to long. It’s like I know in my heart that their “chapter” is over but at the same time I feel like if I wait a little longer, love a little harder– that they will be at the end in my “Happily Ever After”.
Letting go is never easy for me. It seriously feels like a death. I tend to take all of the blame on things when they end. I allow others to make me feel certain ways even though my heart and brain know they aren’t true. I try very hard to just work all things out and I hate feeling like I “quit”… when really- the other person never started…
Letting people walk on you
You care way to much what others think and are always searching for someone to make you happy when happiness comes from within