Let Her Go…

 

I know Passenger originally sang this song but Jasmine Thompson’s voice is amazing!

 

You only know you love her when you let her go…

My Granddaddy always said- “You’ll never miss the water till the well runs dry!”.

Sometimes in life, love isn’t enough, compassion isn’t enough, caring isn’t enough, thoughtfulness isn’t enough, being there for someone isn’t enough, having a open loving heart isn’t enough BUT no matter what; in those “sometimes’ moments— YOU ARE STILL ENOUGH!!!! You are good enough, strong enough, YOU are loved, cherished, admired and wanted by someone! We all are!

There is always someone else going through your same struggles, pains and discouragement. You were made to heal, live, love and survive. Broken hearts heals, the bruises fade away the pain slowly turns to scars and you pick yourself back up, dust off and keep it moving!

Life isn’t easy. It wasn’t made to be easy. Without all the sweat and tears how else are we to become stronger? That backbone often spoken of, we all have it. Only you can determine how strong it really is. Only you can say when it’s broken, bent or torn. Only you have the power to use it to stand back up and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

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Never be someones door mat. I don’t care who they are. You are special and were made with such a great and powerful love to have to even be treated less than you ever deserve. Do good and don’t change no matter how many times you get pushed to the side, walked on or treated poorly. At the end of everyday, lie your head down and know that you can smile because you gave the day and all the people in it your best! No one can take that from you! No one can take anything from you no matter how hard they try to belittle and destroy you.

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Some people “learn” you so well that they no exactly how to manipulate you. They know how far they can push your buttons and then when they need to “reel” you back in. They don’t want you but they don’t want to lose you. They benefit in some way from you but you won’t see that until you’re vision isn’t blurred by love. They will continue to do this until YOU decide that they are done toying with your heart, life and emotions.

We all know that it hurts like hell to breakup or let go of someone we truly love and care about. But you have to decide whom do you love more-Them or YOU? It is okay to sit around and cry about it but you gotta GET BACK UP and Move On! If they want to continue to do the things they know cause you pain- Let Them Go, they didn’t want a TOP SPOT in your life to begin with!

 

Seasonal people with lifetime expectations…..

~Tricia

Love is what you do…..

This morning….. This morning!

Well it’s been a bit since I’ve wrote on here and for some reason, I felt today I needed to get some things out. Maybe I’m holding to much in? Maybe I am tired of talking and it falling on deaf ears? Maybe I am just Burnt. Out!?

Deric…

Yep- He is STILL in the picture! After the break-up, I took him back for ANOTHER chance. With nothing but the same empty promises, never-ending perfect sounding words that have no actions to back them-up, the endless amounts of tears and anxiety!

Allow me to reiterate that again— Love. Is. Not. What. You. Say! Love. Is What. You. Do!!!

Let’s just start with today… I get a text this morning from Deric;

D- On my way to you

Be there in 10

Me- Are you coming in or am I supposed to come out?

D- In

D- I need to get my clothes you washed last night

Me- Ohhh… Okay (me disappointed because I was thinking he wanted to actually see me before the work day)

Deric comes in =, no Good Morning, No hug, No kiss, No how are you doing… But where are my clothes, you said you had them washed.

I say, they are clean Deric and folded. I put them in my room in the dresser that was yours. You are welcome to go in there and get what you need. Also, I made some breakfast for you, its finishing up now.

Deric was pissed because I didn’t have his clothes ready or something, I am still not sure what was wrong. But I finished up making his breakfast took the dog for a walk came back in and he was finishing up his food. I go and finish getting ready for work and come out of the bathroom and I am accused of cheating on him. Again, I have never cheated on him or any man for that matter!

I am like Deric, please don’t start. It’s early, I have to work all day and going in to work with a negative mindset, sucks! I said- what are you so upset about? I didn’t say or do anything wrong. He walks out and says “you gave the shirt I wanted to wear to some other man!” Please keep in mind- I have bought all of this mans clothes for one and for 2 how the heck am I supposed to know what shirt he even wanted?!!? And 3— WHAT MAN???

Anyways, at this point I’m upset, feel the tears bellowing up in my eyes and I just stop and look at him and breath. There isn’t anything more I can say to this man. I have said all the right things at this point and I needed to be positive about my day and myself.

I gather my belongings as I can hear the jeep starting rush out the door and wait for him to say goodbye to me and kiss me and say I love you… instead he says’ can you move so I can back out please, I need to get to work. I mean OUCH!!!! Like not 1 thank you throughout the 20 mins he was there, no apology for coming in so hateful and grouchy, no good morning, no hug, no kiss, no I love you, no you look great today, no nothing! As I stood there and watched him drive a way, it took all that I could not to feel defeated and devastated and humiliated.

You see- love is more than words, words are nothing. The ways that Deric talks to me, treats me and is to me are not in a loving way. Deric talks a great talk WHEN he will benefit from the situation. But he can never walk the walk of the talk he talked!

When is enough enough? When do I swallow my pride and sit back and realize I can change this situation on my own and that I have been the woman that I am supposed to be in every aspect and still I am Deric’s doormat?

I know I am wearing thin of patience, trust, communication and the worst–love… I feel like I have love for him still but I am not feeling like I actually am still in-love with him. How can I be?

Love is what you DO….

~Tricia

 

I AM COMPASSIONATE !!!

“Compassion is the courage to descend into the reality of human experience.”

 – PAUL GILBERT

Write a note to yourself from the perspective of an unconditionally loving imaginary friend:

Tricia,

You are an amazing, wonderful, caring, compassionate woman. You have so much drive in you to go further in life and to never give up. You’re a great mother and friend. You have so many things about you that are positive and uplifting.

You sell your self shirt so much. You cheat yourself of opportunities and chances. You let people walk on you like you’re a door mat. You don’t see your value or know our worth. If you could see yourself from the all the eyes of us that love you so much, you will live and treat life differently.

You’re one woman that I can honestly say is strong. You have went and made it through so much. You deserve love, happiness, attention and great things in life.  Please stop selling yours-self short. Please take pride in your-self. Please fall in-love with the Tricia we all have fallen in-love with.

I love you,

~Tricia

I AM CURIOUS….

“You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”

 – Andre Gide

A recent fear that I would like to overcome …

Fear of letting go and having faith in whats to be will be! I love/hate the quote:

 “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.” – Unknown

Because if you love something so much, why do you even have to let it go? Why do you have to make a choice between the thing you love and wait to see if its meant to be? I mean I get it… but it doesn’t make things easier just because you understand its meaning. I feel like if you love something or someone you should be able to keep them forever.. Okay, enough of this because this right here; breaks my entire heart! I’m not ready for this yet!

Why does this fear make me feel scared and uncomfortable?

Because I love so hard and hold onto hope till my hands bleed. I’m so afraid that the person will move on and forget how much love I have for them, how much I want them and how hard I just want to see them happy and keep them forever. I don’t want tto “chance” it not working out or him coming back. The fear of him walking away loving someone else hurts so deep into my heart. But like the quote above… If it was meant to be, he will come back…. he will see how badly I love adn want him in my life..

Why does it matter to me that I overcome this fear?

I need to stop holding myself accountable for others actions and choices. I want tto always know and feel in my heart that I did the best that I could and that if someone wants to walk out of my life, it was their choice and that if I loved, respected, helped, encouraged and was  there for that person like I should be; there is/was nothing else I could do to make them stay or come back.

Why have I previously been unable to overcome this fear?

Because to me, I’ve always felt letting go/walking away was a sign of my weakness and that I was a quitter… But now after answering these questions, I feel like I was only quitting myself when I stayed in the bad situations that I never actually deserved. And I only became week when I stuck in it all and let the words and actions of someone I truly was in-love with tear and break me down. I am strong when I see my self worth, I am strong when I know I deserve better and walk away and I am strong when I love me for who and how I am. I have respect for myself and my heart. I know that all that I do, do; I do in-love ad out of love for people. I just want people more so Deric Faulkner right now that; just because I walked away doesn’t mean I don’t want you or love you but I love me more and I want us both to be happy and that if in this time it helps you and changes you’ I’ll be here!

CURIOUS: eager to know or learn something

I AM VULNERABLE……

“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.”

 

– Criss Jami

A weakness that I’m struggling with …

Letting go of the past… Loving someone so very much and having no choice but to let them go from your life and heart is so hard. I am struggling with how much I miss Deric and how badly I have wanted him to come back and fix every part of us that he broke.

Today, I will be courageously vulnerable by sharing my weakness with the following person …

I feel as if I’ve already been being courageous with this.  I have people that I can call or message when I am feeling really down and I express to them that I am struggling with this. So I can’t pick just one person and I also don’t feel like I am struggling today. Yesterday was the 1st day I haven’t cried and broke down. I woke up this morning feeling happy and bubbly and more like my old self again. My hope is that I don’t need to call or text anyone today about a struggle, just a hope and a happy place 🙂

 

Sometimes, you really feel like…

I need this wishful thinking to goooooo away!!!! I keep thinking, “oh, he’s gonna call today, he’s gonna be sorry and want to work this out!” NOPE!!!! Its. Not Going. To Happen!!! I wish this thing had emojis… LOL!!! I just wander does he miss me too? Is he driving his brain and heart crazy thinking about me too??? I wish I could just STOP and just be numb until this all passes. Sometimes, I feel like I’m not strong… But I know I am. I just wish that he had loved me like he swore he did. Like how much I really DO love him…

~Tricia

2 For 1; Day… Again…

Sighhhhhhh…

This is supposed to be getting better, easier and more emotionally under control!!! What The What!?!?!? I just want to go home at this point lay in my bed and soak my pillow with MISSING YOU TEARS!!!

Nothing triggers this, at least I don’t think.. I mean other than being bored at work and then maybe the 1,002 phone calls I’d make to Deric Every. Single. Day from work… Just breathe, breathe through it is what the 30 day challenge people say… Well I’m certain their heart isn’t the one that’s broken right now… Good news is; Today in the “challenge” email that if you weren’t “relapsing already then you weren’t human! That little confirmation makes me feel not as stupid…

I just think the same crap over and over… I know Deric is fine and okay and happy and not missing me or thinking about me and Mannnnnnnnnnnnn does that crap HURT!!!! Whew… Like- I. Can’t. Even. Right. Now! I still have 40 minutes left of work and I can’t break down right now.

I just have to be strong hold it together for basically 50 minutes. My hope is that this feeling just passes by without losing it, again.. I wish I could just see him, like you know in the movies where they somehow “magically” get to spy on the other person… I don;t know if it would help or hurt me more though!?!!?

Then his stupid song is legit playing on my computer RIGHT NOW… “I’m On The Way” iHeart radio… Not the best idea! Lol..

Okay, I feel a little better, back to work and back to fighting off these thoughts and tears!

Stay Blessed!

~Tricia