Definitely Depression but POSSIBLE

Definitely Depression but POSSIBLE

Today I made a post “emotionally overwhelmed is an understatement “. A longtime friend asked me if everything was, okay? I let her know that Daevohn has been battling severe depression since October but has only gotten worse. I stay up most nights listening for him because he talks about how he has suicidal thoughts. I thought taking him away would maybe spark something in him but it didn’t. It’s worse. I have to make the decision to commit him into a facility where he is able to get better help. It’s just a lot and so hard. I’ve literally tried any and everything.

She replies with shock and questions. Has he seen a Dr, medicine, things we’ve tried. I replied, “You’re okay. He was given sertraline and he took it for 2 days and said it hurts his stomach and he’s not taking it. So I ordered a “feelings” journal that he’d write in at the end of everyday do a scale of 1-10 on how he felt that day went overall and then a list of emotions you check off if you felt them that day. I’m not sure if he used it as I don’t want him to feel like I’m snooping. He sees a therapist every Friday. He’s been 4 times and hasn’t spoken more than 5 mins in his hour. We got home last night, and he texted his best friend that he’s tired of living and ready to give up again and that he has no hope or care about anyone. I went in his room and I was like what bubba, what is it? Is it me? Is it Jerome? Is it grandma is it school what is it. You have to give me something here, man. I’m lost. I need you to help me help you. Please. He laughs me off offensively, I felt and like dismissing me. I said Daevohn – you know I’ve had depression for years now and that saying I want to give up and not live anymore, isn’t funny. It’s not a joke at all. I’ve been there so many times. I hate that place, so I wake up and fight back to never be there. You have to fight back. Asking Daevohn-What can I do to help you? Nothing. There’s nothing to help. At this point I’m bawling my eyes out pissed off but broken hearted all at the same time. Wanting to shake the shit out of my boy, slap his face and splash water on him and scream STOP!!! The. Best. Is. Yet. To. Come!!! It only gets better. Hold on. Just breathe! Then the other side saying hold him. Pull him to you like you did when he was still small. Make him feel your love. Make him feel his childhood, his Pappy (grandpa) memories, his dirt on his face, coming in after 11 from playing kickball in the front yard. Take him back to win life had time to be a life and he didn’t know there was hate or ugly or suicides or religions or prejudice or predators or social media or anything you want in the WORLD is only a few clicks away! Take him back. That’s his happy place. That’s when he was happy. You found his happy. How do you bring him to it!? You hold tight to the back of his house coat, and you drag your feet with all your dead weight, and you drag it out as long as it takes.. deep breathe in- then one day, you exhaled, and you were there. You are there. You are here. You made it. You got there. Now every day you wake up, you FIGHT LIKE HELL to NEVER get there again and if you get close, you fight harder and if you get back to there – you’ll find this memory and you’ll bounce back. Keep. Fighting. You. We. Got. This.

And as I sit here – a person with depression for years, thinking to myself “damn bro, you fought. For 14 years. Haha, you, well I- I did that. I. Fought. To. Be. Here. ~ and I’m going to continue to fight till the day, I transition!” My: boy man, will too!!!

#KeepFighting #FightLikeHell #Donotstop #depression #itcannotwin #youarestrong #lookhowfaryoualreadycame #fighter #yaheardssssme🗣️

🫵🏾💪🏼🖤

Are “YOU” in there….

PTSD Anxiety Depression

PAD – fill or cover (something) with soft material in order to protect it or its contents;
a person’s home.

I hate the word “feel”. Because when I take my pills for PTSD, Anxiety and Depression I don’t “feel” so the word “feel” loses its meaning almost to me or it’s credibility? Does that make sense!?

I’ve been trying much harder these past couple years and I would say very hard the last few months to figure out my “brain”. I know it doesn’t work like it was made to and I’m learning to deal with it but NOT accept it.

For those on PAD as I want to refer these pills to; do you often find when you take the PADs exactly how you’re supposed to that you’re missing life?

Like you’re a bump on a log or a breathing being that’s paralyzed emotionally, spiritually and physically.

I didn’t take my PADs Friday and I was able to watch 2 movies and focus and comprehend and not be bored and not tired away from them. That is huge for me.

I have a boyfriend now, a great great man that is nothing like I’ve had before. He’s kind and gentle and tries to understand I know he wants to understand mental health issues but he doesn’t have them and he’s never really been around someone on a consistent basis time frame as he is with me.

Jerome loves movies. He loves to talk about real life stuff. He loves to have meaningful conversations. I want to be apart of that world with him, for him and for us. I want him to know that he is important and that I do see him and value him. It’s so hard to express or even show these “feelings” when you don’t or can’t explain feelings in the ways you feel them.

When he talks to me, if I’ve been taking my PADs regularly, I don’t hear him. I don’t feel him. I don’t respond like he needs, I don’t “feel” his passions in his words.

This is all over the place and if you’re used to me blogging you know that it’s Random Ramblings for a reason- LOL

I just want people to know you’re not alone when you feel you’re alone. You’re not numb, you’re inconsiderate, you’re not disrespectful, you’re not rude, you’re not mean, you’re not self centered. You’re controlled by mental health issues and these damn PADs that are a blessing and a curse.

When you take the PADs- it’s better for your mind because it slows down all the screaming shit happening in your brain. But you “feel” nothing- NOTHING! The people around you aren’t having to be in ease or walk on so many shattered pieces of glass. But you are empty. Are you in there?

When you don’t take your PADs – you’re crying hard for reasons and sometimes no reasons, you’re mad and at nothing, you’re irritable, you’re over thinking, overwhelmed, under qualified feeling.

But – you can “feel”!!! You can feel sadness, joy, excitement, acceptance, happiness and love. You can watch a 2 1/2 movie and then another almost 2 hour movie and enjoy it. You can wake up the next morning and have a great conversation with people that matter to you and soak it in and understand.

You wish those positive side of “feelings” and or abilities would stay but they can’t. Because after being off of the PADs for too many hours/days leads to disaster. Leads to “feeling” not good enough, not caring about life, knowing you love your loved ones but “feeling” defeated by life and love and that your life doesn’t matter. You tell yourself so many lies and hurt yourself by self destructive hate words. Then you get the “strength” to start the PADs back up.

The cycle repeats.

Are you in there?

Love you, friends

Depression, Anxiety and Granny…

Random thoughts I need to get out…
I think a lot of times I suppress what I feel. Mainly the things or times I’m hurt and or hurting.
Today, this moment is one of those times.
I miss my granny. She passed 4 years ago today except that day it was Thanksgiving. It’s like a double whammy… I was just cleaning and started bawling my eyes out. Literally.
Like when my father passed, I had to be strong. I didn’t grieve. I feel like I never grieve. That’s with all passes and losses in my life. I think that’s a huge cause for my emotional anxieties.
Anyways, just wish someone were here right now to hold me and let me cry it out. I just need a hug, I think… I don’t know. I just feel sadness and I know it’ll pass and I’ll take my medicines and life will go numb. But for the moment- I just feel.

Non-Manic Monday…

Sooo today wasn’t Manic it was just Petty!!! I feel like I work for the Student Counsel of the Beverly Hills wanna be High School. I’m trying not to make this a bitch fest but then I need get things off of my chest.

Like how do employers expect to have happy employees that want to stay and build their career within them when they clearly haven’t left high school behind them?

6 years is how long I’ve been with my corporation. I started at the bottom and am now in corporate purchasing. Big deal??? Nope! Great personal achievement but that’s all.

I truly work hard. I fill in for so many people. I do jobs that aren’t mine. Not a thank you not a anything. I’m told not to talk to certain people and the be quiet like a librarian shooshes her finger to you. I’m 35!!! Are. You. Kidding. Me!?

Is it crazy that at 2 this morning I laid in bed wide awake thinking of all the things I wanted to say to specific people at my job? Like man, it sounded so great. Like they wouldn’t know what to do if I went in and said exactly the truth and exactly how I feel.

Part of my frustration this morning was because my ex idiot Deric blew my phone up only to disturb my sleep and then tell me his was with another new girl. Like WHO CARES!!! Right??? I don’t! Ughhh I just wish he’d climb the tallest mountain and stay there with no cell service and become a cave man mountain man until the ends of time.

So not only did he piss me off, work has been an absolute cringe fest for me for a few months now.

I completely wear my thoughts on my face and I used to control it but now like sooo much- I don’t care. Like I need people to know and understand that it is NOT OKAY TO BE DICKS!!! It’s not!

Anyways, I don’t know what to do. My Granny always said you can’t quit your job without a new one in place but man, this place is wearing me out and almost daily giving me tears in my eyes.

#HelpWanted

Self Discovery Challenge Day 3

***This will be a 2-part Day***

What is my Fave thing to do when I’m alone…

When I’m by myself I typically either read, write or watch HGTV… Yep, I’m a little boring, LOL…  Today’s challenge wasn’t that great…

Okay, so the better topic today is PCOS and Assholes…

I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) when I was 16 years old. So I follow a lot of informative awesome pages on Instagram that discuss and post about PCOS.

Yesterday and the night before My Ex Asshole (Deric) decided it was time to harass me again. I cried a bit of heavy tears at the things he said then I was “good”. See, I having to retrain my brain and heart on how I see myself. After you hear things over and over for so long you kind of start to believe those things about you may be true even when deep down you know they aren’t you still question… As I was laying in bed scrolling through the “Gram”; I came across this PCOS post that just really had me thinking about those times my Gut said No Tricia, Stop Tricia, Don’t go down that road Tricia…

If you don’t know about PCOS- look into it. It is a very awfully complicated syndrome that you cant get rid or “heal” from. It GREATLY effects your Gut Health.

I wanted to blog so badly last night after I saw the post below;

Not only is it about my PCOS but it’s like legit REAL LIFE!!! Your Gut is so important in dealing with everyday life situations. See before I dated Deric, he pursued me for 3 straight years. My “gut” just wouldn’t let him catch me at all. I could tell by his mannerisms that the kind of “man” (using that word lightly AF) wasn’t the kind of Real Man I wanted or needed in my life. Then my heart kicked in… thinking maybe I was just being judgmental or too hard on him. I woke up one stupid day and was like “Heyyy football is on and I just made chicken wings, want to come over and watch the games with me, drink some beer and eat wings?”

That!!!! Was a mistake that I wish my brain had kicked it into high gear and became best friends with my “Gut” and saved me.

My “Gut Feeling” honestly was trying to legit save me so many times in those 3 years with him. Obviously y’all know what my point is on this but dang guys, this post hit home hard and it is so true! Your Gut is JUST AS important as your heart and your brain! Sometimes the Gut has to speak when the heart is blind.

Trust your Gut, guys! Like the heart doesn’t lie- nope… The heart can go blind but not lie but the Gut- it will knock your breath away, get butterflies and those “Stop” aches!

Lead with your Gut but Follow with your HEART!

“Follow reason, but don’t ignore that gut feeling.”
― Debasish Mridha

Truths to Me, Myself and Tricia…

you are beautiful

you are healthy

you are smart

you are loving

you are caring

you are admired

you are authentic

you are wanted

you are loved

you are perfectly and wonderfully made

you are not fat, a thot, a hoe, a cluck, ugly, disgusting, a liar, a cheater, a broke bitch!

YOU ARE THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF EVERYTHING THAT DERIC SAID TO YOU, CALLED YOU AND MADE YOU FEEL AND THINK!

Love & healing to all 🙂

 

 

Self Discovery Challenge Day 2

What are 5 things I absolutely love about myself?

1. My Heart! I am so loving, caring, passionate and just warm! I super love people and I think I can truly change the world. I love helping people and feeling like I can make a difference in someone’s day and life.
2. My Smile! See, I got this “gap” that I legit didn’t have 5 years ago. Something about turning 30 I guess –LOL. But I used to hate it when it first happened. I would not smile with my teeth showing because I was so embarrassed of the “gap”. Now I love my GAP and I think my smile is fantabulous and beautiful. I feel like when I smile you can see happiness radiate from my eyes and you can really see the sincerity in my soul of happiness.
3. My Eyes! They are so dang Gorgeous!! My eyes are brown but when the sun hits them, they get this green gold sparkle in them and they look like FIRE!!!
4. Is it bad that I am stuck now??? Like literally I can only find 3 things that I love about myself. Super teary eyed moment for sure right now! I guess when I think of the term “absolutely love” is like a Passion thing to me, like something that makes your eye glow and grow big from excitement. I don’t feel those ways so much about me…. Wait I know… I am thinking too hard and trying to think what y’all would want to read. So #4 is bubbles!! Bubblegum and I are like two peas n a pod! I can blow the biggest Bestest bubbles ever and they definitely make me laugh and smile as childish as it may be- blowing bubbles is LOVE!
5. My attitude! I am pretty upbeat and silly. I am sooo clumsy and goofy! I am a complete nerd. I always say “I’m the complete package” LOL… But I do believe that. I can be a tomboy or girly. I super love sports Fave is Football- Chicago Bears! I love to cook (yes, I can really cook). I don’t know… I am just kind of super awesome and like one of the Best out here!

Quote time… Hmm… well how about-

 

30 Days to “Self-Discovery” Challenge

Day 1:

If I could go back in time, what would i tell my younger self?

Honestly… Just to LET IT ALL GO!

Love yourself enough to let go of anything that no longer Serves you, Grows you, or Makes you Happy!

Simple right?… It definitely starting to be!

Thank you so much to those of you that have wrote to me about my posts! It means a lot. I have so much darkness that I have fought through but still believe in the Sunshine at the end of it all. You guys definitely should too! Life Gets Better, then it gets worse and then it gets better 🙂 That is the real circle of life!

P.S. If you want to start blogging or just getting your thoughts and feelings out and don’t know where to start- just google Journal Prompts. Most of you know that I have used my self help books for my blog. I truly love to write and it very much helps to get things out. Even when most times- its strangers that read this, LOL 🙂

 

Soul on Fire

Random Thoughts.. Random Ramblings..

Why do people just stay unhappy and in mediocre Situations/Relationships? I did, I did it 4 stupid times.. LOL 🙂 Let me tell you what those 4 times taught me; 1 taught me how strong I am and that being a single momma isn’t as hard as they swore to me it would be the 2^nd taught me that You gotta invest that same amount of love and time and energy into someone that will appreciate it (Myself) 3^rd one taught me that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON AND that what you thought was the Bestest doesn’t compare to the BETTER ahead and the 4^th taught me that Respect given isn’t always deserved and that sometimes you gotta lose to win again! Point is- STOP. STAYING. STUCK. In. Things. That. DON’T. SET. YOUR. SOUL. ON. FIRRRRREEE 🙂

Let Her Go…

I know Passenger originally sang this song but Jasmine Thompson’s voice is amazing!

You only know you love her when you let her go…

My Granddaddy always said- “You’ll never miss the water till the well runs dry!”.

Sometimes in life, love isn’t enough, compassion isn’t enough, caring isn’t enough, thoughtfulness isn’t enough, being there for someone isn’t enough, having a open loving heart isn’t enough BUT no matter what; in those “sometimes’ moments— YOU ARE STILL ENOUGH!!!! You are good enough, strong enough, YOU are loved, cherished, admired and wanted by someone! We all are!

There is always someone else going through your same struggles, pains and discouragement. You were made to heal, live, love and survive. Broken hearts heals, the bruises fade away the pain slowly turns to scars and you pick yourself back up, dust off and keep it moving!

Life isn’t easy. It wasn’t made to be easy. Without all the sweat and tears how else are we to become stronger? That backbone often spoken of, we all have it. Only you can determine how strong it really is. Only you can say when it’s broken, bent or torn. Only you have the power to use it to stand back up and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

Never be someone’s door mat. I don’t care who they are. You are special and were made with such a great and powerful love to have to even be treated less than you ever deserve. Do good and don’t change no matter how many times you get pushed to the side, walked on or treated poorly. At the end of everyday, lie your head down and know that you can smile because you gave the day and all the people in it your best! No one can take that from you! No one can take anything from you no matter how hard they try to belittle and destroy you.

Some people “learn” you so well that they no exactly how to manipulate you. They know how far they can push your buttons and then when they need to “reel” you back in. They don’t want you but they don’t want to lose you. They benefit in some way from you but you won’t see that until you’re vision isn’t blurred by love. They will continue to do this until YOU decide that they are done toying with your heart, life and emotions.

We all know that it hurts like hell to breakup or let go of someone we truly love and care about. But you have to decide whom do you love more-Them or YOU? It is okay to sit around and cry about it but you gotta GET BACK UP and Move On! If they want to continue to do the things they know cause you pain- Let Them Go, they didn’t want a TOP SPOT in your life to begin with!

Seasonal people with lifetime expectations…..

~Tricia

Love is what you do…..

This morning….. This morning!

Well it’s been a bit since I’ve wrote on here and for some reason, I felt today I needed to get some things out. Maybe I’m holding to much in? Maybe I am tired of talking and it falling on deaf ears? Maybe I am just Burnt. Out!?

Deric…

Yep- He is STILL in the picture! After the break-up, I took him back for ANOTHER chance. With nothing but the same empty promises, never-ending perfect sounding words that have no actions to back them-up, the endless amounts of tears and anxiety!

Allow me to reiterate that again— Love. Is. Not. What. You. Say! Love. Is What. You. Do!!!

Let’s just start with today… I get a text this morning from Deric;

D- On my way to you

Be there in 10

Me- Are you coming in or am I supposed to come out?

D- In

D- I need to get my clothes you washed last night

Me- Ohhh… Okay (me disappointed because I was thinking he wanted to actually see me before the work day)

Deric comes in – no Good Morning, No hug, No kiss, No how are you doing… But where are my clothes, you said you had them washed.

I say, they are clean Deric and folded. I put them in my room in the dresser that was yours. You are welcome to go in there and get what you need. Also, I made some breakfast for you, its finishing up now.

Deric was pissed because I didn’t have his clothes ready or something, I am still not sure what was wrong. But I finished up making his breakfast took the dog for a walk came back in and he was finishing up his food. I go and finish getting ready for work and come out of the bathroom and I am accused of cheating on him. Again, I have never cheated on him or any man for that matter!

I am like Deric, please don’t start. It’s early, I have to work all day and going in to work with a negative mindset, sucks! I said- what are you so upset about? I didn’t say or do anything wrong. He walks out and says “you gave the shirt I wanted to wear to some other man!” Please keep in mind- I have bought all of this mans clothes for one and for 2 how the heck am I supposed to know what shirt he even wanted?!!? And 3— WHAT MAN???

Anyways, at this point I’m upset, feel the tears bellowing up in my eyes and I just stop and look at him and breathe. There isn’t anything more I can say to this man. I have said all the right things at this point and I needed to be positive about my day and myself.

I gather my belongings as I can hear the jeep starting rush out the door and wait for him to say goodbye to me and kiss me and say I love you… instead he says’ can you move so I can back out please, I need to get to work. I mean OUCH!!!! Like not 1 thank you throughout the 20 mins he was there, no apology for coming in so hateful and grouchy, no good morning, no hug, no kiss, no I love you, no you look great today, no nothing! As I stood there and watched him drive a way, it took all that I could not to feel defeated and devastated and humiliated.

You see- love is more than words, words are nothing. The ways that Deric talks to me, treats me and is to me are not in a loving way. Deric talks a great talk WHEN he will benefit from the situation. But he can never walk the walk of the talk he talked!

When is enough enough? When do I swallow my pride and sit back and realize I can change this situation on my own and that I have been the woman that I am supposed to be in every aspect and still I am Deric’s doormat?

I know I am wearing thin of patience, trust, communication and the worst–love… I feel like I have love for him still but I am not feeling like I actually am still in-love with him. How can I be?

Love is what you DO….

~Tricia